While a divorce can be very stressful and the death of a spouse devastating, being Suddenly Single often creates a vortex that is simply overwhelming! Today’s Suddenly Single has to deal with all of the emotional trauma associated with the departure of a spouse, but must still maintain a semblance of normality that is required to perform the day to day function of work and survival.
Single parents don’t often have the luxury of bereavement at their leisure. Life goes on!
Support from friends and family provides a modicum of relief! We all need to unburden our souls when faced with a myriad of complex decisions. But what we really want are answers. Not just shoulders to cry on!
Some Suddenly Singles turn to professionals to provide the answers. Therapists, marriage counselors, relationship coaches are all eager to help. The problem is that we expect these professionals to provide us with a “cure”.
Just fix the problem or make it go away!
Ironically, that’s exactly what some unscrupulous “relationship gurus” prescribe. They make bold claims (with guarantees) to fix a broken relationship. What folly!
My mother, with her infinite wisdom, often remarked that a “broken vase can never be glued together and be whole again”. A relationship can only exist if the two parties agree that it should exist! If one of the parties decides that the relationship is over…. IT’S OVER!
That’s the plain, simple and cruel truth!
I’m not denying that two people in a troubled relationship can benefit from coaching or counseling, IF there is a genuine desire on both sides to try and fix the problem and to follow the expert advice and recommendations. But if one party is resigned to a break up, the relationship is over!
I remember going to a marriage counselor at the end of my marriage, because I wanted to try to keep the relationship together. I suggested to my wife that we should give mediation a try!
She reluctantly agreed, probably to appease me.
I still have a clear recollection of the process. I paid $200 to have an audience with this counselor who had all kinds of credentials behind his name. He truly looked the part and the well decorated art deco house where he held his sessions added to the ambiance. After the obligatory questions about “how did that feel?” and “what did that mean to you?” I found myself rambling for one hour, while my counselor nodded and diligently took notes.
At the end of my session, I felt relieved, both in terms of getting things “off my chest” and forking out $200 for a one hour soliloquy. My personal swan song!
My wife’s interview was far less eloquent. She appreciated the effort but did not want to waste the counselor’s time. (Hey, it was my dime! Go waste it!). Bottom line, she was moving in with the “new” guy on the weekend!
The broken vase became unglued!
The key to a successful recovery from a shattered relationship is to make progress at some emotional level on a daily basis. There will be setbacks, for sure! But if you make some progress toward a successful transition, you will have WON THE DAY!
Soon you will win the week, then the month and before long, you will reach your goal.
To do this effectively requires an ACTION PLAN!
The reality is that you need to get your life under control and you need to start now! That doesn’t mean that you’re going to start making major decisions without forethought or careful consideration. Rome wasn’t built in one day and neither will your new lifestyle.
But you have to get organized. You have to commit to a system of small steps every day that will soon evolve into a new blueprint that will take you from Suddenly Single to Successfully Single!
Equally important is knowing and understanding that you are making progress every day. Every day brings you one step closer to a new and fulfilling life without limits!
Progress can be difficult when you’re recovering from a failed relationship. There are so many issues to deal with. There are so many things to do. Where do you start?
Let’s start by taking “inventory” of your life. Right now you probably have a warehouse full of emotions, problems, financial challenges, estate planning, and issues with home and family. Your warehouse is packed to the rafters and you need to sort everything out.
- What do you have in stock?
- What do you need to keep?
- What is perishable and needs to be taken care of right away?
- What has a longer shelf-life and can wait for another day?
- What has “spoiled” and needs to be thrown out?
This warehouse represents your “present” and your first step is to take a detailed and itemized inventory. Create categories for your inventory list. Create categories for your emotions, your health, your finances, your children, your family, your home, etc.
Create as many categories as you need. The more specific you are, the better this will work for you. If you do this exercise, you will develop a practical platform from which you can start dealing with the most pressing issues and solving your most difficult challenges. You’ll be able to put your life into perspective. You can start the process of “de-cluttering” your mind and getting rid of that feeling of overwhelm.
So here’s your assignment!
1. Take inventory of your life by identifying all the issues, problems and road blocks that are preventing you from moving forward.
2. Break down your inventory list into categories. Some categories may require “sub-categories”. You’ll develop great organizational skills!
3. Look at each category and decide:
a. What you want to keep
b. What is perishable and requires your immediate attention.
c. What has a longer shelf-life and can wait until your “perishables” have been taken care of.
d. What has “spoiled” or is just trash and needs to be thrown out.
WOW! You are about to take stock of your “overwhelm”! Congratulations!
Next, you are going to:
- Reorganize your “warehouse”
- Record your inventory
- Rearrange your priorities
Ok, you’ve cleaned up your “warehouse”! You took inventory of all your emotional and material “stock”. You’ve created categories for everything that still has relevance to your current situation and you “trashed” the spoiled goods! You got rid of all the clutter that created your feelings of overwhelm! You’re well on your way to move forward. Your ready to leave the past behind. You’re about to embrace a new future!
And than it happens!
You walk into a room and you detect a familiar smell or fragrance. You walk down the street and you spot someone with a familiar mannerism, even though it is a complete stranger! You hear a distinct voice or a special song that brings back a memory. Someone makes an innocent comment, but it tears your heart out!
It is impossible to go through a 24 hour period without someone or something reminding you of the past! Your emotions are still raw. We’ve only just started the healing process! There will be relapses! If you think that you can hold it together 24/7, you’re setting yourself up for failure. Some people are stronger than others. They can quit smoking “cold turkey”. They can go on a diet and stick to it!
But changing a habit is one thing. Changing a relationship is quite another! It takes time, focus and determination. And it takes a skill set that you’ll have to commit to!
In short, it requires a new Persona Profile!
Making progress toward the ultimate goal of transitioning to a new and fulfilling life without limits requires daily achievements. These daily achievements may seem relatively insignificant in relation to the “big picture”, but their cumulative effect is absolutely amazing!
Therefore, you are going to measure your daily progress in bite-size pieces. And the goal is to achieve progress, not 24/7 but 2/7! Two hours per day of focused progress is all you need to break the cycle of hurt, anger and despair! Two hours per day will keep you on your path!
You’ll win the day!
Measure your progress as a Suddenly Single by focusing on the results for two hours per day! During those two hours I want you to be totally clear on your objectives:
· Look at each category and select the items that require you foremost attention.
· Select one or two items and really focus on how you’re going to deal with them.
· Develop a habit of doing this daily and reward yourself by taking time away from your problems.
· Keep a journal of your progress.
· Get others involved to help you achieve your goals.
· Allow for setbacks, but try to stay the course!
Don’t measure progress by the day, but use the following guide as your “results barometer”!
Win 2 hours – you win the day!
Win 5 days – you win the week!
Win 3 weeks – you win the month!
Win 3 months – you’ll achieve your transition!
Win 1 year… you’ll
Live & Love Life Without Limits!
Allan N. Mulholland
©~Allan N. Mulholland 2011
